


I Just Wanna Die in Your Arms

by pokimunchies



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP
Genre: Actually happy ending, Alternate Universe, Angst, Association with Black Coffee, M/M, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-30
Updated: 2017-06-30
Packaged: 2018-11-21 11:52:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11356953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pokimunchies/pseuds/pokimunchies
Summary: Yuto looks down into the water beneath him once again and finds Yamada’s smile in there. He takes his plunge and reaches Yamada’s hand in his. A smile that he will never get to lose again as they are swimming within their fate to a new world of  possible eternity.





	I Just Wanna Die in Your Arms

Yuto stares at the nothingness, feeling his time has finally come. A thick fog is coming his way, frosting his feet and forcing him to close his eyes. His tears have gone dry as his right hand clutches to a piece of wet handkerchief. The cement floor is wet of his tears too as he looks down, his eyes half opened. As if hundreds of bullets shoot through his shoulders and back, aiming at his heart. His cold and empty heart.

Time passes, and Yuto lifts his hand in the air, letting go of the handkerchief. It flies through the space below him, fast enough that Yuto can’t get a glimpse of it anymore. And he hears it again, a voice too familiar, so close yet felt so far away, swimming in the atmosphere above him.

“I miss you.” Yuto answered lowly. And the voice disappears as Yuto loses himself, strengthens his grip and climbs to reach the remnants of his loved one’s voice. 

***

It was dark just like any other night in his life. Yuto picked up a few drinks at his favourite bar and continued dragging his feet along the busy town afterwards, making his way to an underground pathway to avoid any more people.

The damp smell is rather unwelcoming and Yuto pinched his nose in response. He was a little tipsy due to the drinks he had earlier, he couldn’t see clearly what was in front of him. A few feet away from him, he was sure there was a figure sitting on the ground, hugging his knees. Yuto shook his head and tried to open his eyes to the sight, and his ears caught something else. The figure was sobbing.

Yuto motioned faster towards the unmoved figure, straightening his composure. He sat beside him and now he could hear it clearly, painful sob that filled with longing and desperation. And with such reflect he hugged the figure, now knowing it was a guy as he held him closer to his chest, letting him stain his shirt with his tears. The guy continued crying like he didn’t care that he was crying on a stranger’s chest, but his cry gradually slowed down and he broke up from the embrace to look up at Yuto after some time.

“I’m sorry.” He looked straight into Yuto’s eyes, his eyes a hint of woe and despair. The pair of eyes were too beautiful to be in such state, and Yuto felt like his heart was breaking. He hugged the guy again in his arms, assuring him that it was alright.

“It’s alright, I’m here for you if you want to cry more.” Yuto offered his chest to him, hugging him close as if he had just found his long-lost treasure.

He obeyed Yuto’s words, burying his face on Yuto’s chest to sniff the delicate smell of his fragrance that mixed with his shameless tears earlier. He was no longer crying and just closed his eyes to feel Yuto’s warmth invaded his lungs.

“Are you alright now?” Yuto let go of him and put his hands on the boy’s shoulders, looking at him deeply. There was pain in there, a great amount of it and he felt weird that he somehow could feel it too, for he was someone that he had just met a few minutes ago.

It was silence as Yuto pressed on his shoulder tighter, attempting to tell the boy to feel at ease to tell him anything.

“I feel better now. Thank you.” The boy answered reassuringly, followed with a soft smile.

“I’m glad.” Yuto withdrew his arms and smiled back at him.

“I’m Nakajima Yuto.” Yuto offered his hand, which was being taken in return.

“Yamada Ryosuke.” His voice was as beautiful as Yuto first heard it, a shy grin plastered on his face as Yamada shook his hand a little.

They took a stroll after that, looking at the sky that was adorned with countless stars and walked along the river’s edge. Yuto now knew that Yamada was just a few years younger than him, two years to be exact.

Yuto listened as Yamada’s voice coloured the night, exchanging smile every now and then.

Yamada talked about how life was testing him on so many different levels. He was a university drop out; only one year left for him yet everything was killing him. He chuckled at that. Yamada had just lost his previous part time job as a waiter in a restaurant. His family was far away in different prefecture and he really missed them, but he couldn’t tell them about him dropping out from university and losing his job. He could no longer bear his debts that had been mounted for a few months now as he couldn’t afford his own life in such big city of Tokyo. He was chased away from his rented apartment just this afternoon. Moreover, his father was now in hospital due to his complications and his mother was working day and night to pay for the hospital bill. Yamada felt hopeless, sad, anxious that he couldn’t help neither his family nor himself. He buried his hands on his face as they sat on a couch near the train station.

Yuto patted Yamada on the back and attempted to make him feel better. He searched desperately for words of consolation but nothing came out from his mouth. Then he spotted something just nearby and it lighted up an idea in his mind. He got up from his seat and approached the vending machine, taking out a few cents from his wallet.

The sound from the vending machine startled his mind that was muttering some sentences to say to Yamada later. He was still trying to console him after all. He got back to Yamada hesitantly, the brown haired guy still had his hands upon his face. Yuto brought the cold canned coffee to the side of Yamada’s face for him to feel the sensation as it touched his cheek. Yamada looked up to see Yuto grinning while offering him a can of black coffee. He took it gladly whilst returning his smile and Yuto took his seat back beside Yamada.

“I love this coffee. Do you?” Yuto said after taking a sip of his coffee and glanced at Yamada who was looking at him with curiosity drawn on his face.

“Not really, I don’t really drink coffee. Why do you like, um, love it?” Yamada corrected his words midway, processing to open his own can of coffee.

“It’s the taste. It’s unique.” Yuto drank from it again, and continued his sentence.

“It’s bitter when you drink it, when it touches your tongue and makes its way to your throat. But after that, you will feel its sweetness resurfacing and fills your mouth. I always loved the taste. It’s not too sweet for me, just right. And it’s an exquisite kind of sweetness that you won’t get from other types of coffee.” Yuto moved his head to greet Yamada’s eyes that were staring at him in awe.

“It’s just like, life. This life, it’s full of bitterness. Sometimes it’s too hard to bear, but take a deeper look on it, actually there is always sweetness awaiting for you. It won’t always be bitter. You’ll find something, someone that will show you this life’s sweet side.” Yuto unconsciously brushed his arm on Yamada’s and caught his face gleaming so beautifully under the moonlight.

Yuto thought he was looking at a painting.

“I’m sorry I talk too much and it doesn’t even make sense.” Yuto realised what he was doing and took another sip of his coffee awkwardly.

“I think it perfectly makes sense.” Yamada contorted and took his own sip, lifting up his chin as the drink shot pass his throat. Leaving him with an exquisite sweetness exactly as how Yuto described it.

They exchanged another smile, longer than the previous ones, and Yuto asked if Yamada had a place to rest tonight. Yamada shook his head sadly and Yuto took Yamada’s hand in his, signalling him that his door was wide opened for him.

***

Yamada looked at his surrounding after they arrived at Yuto’s apartment. He scanned through the messy living room, and basically everywhere else. There were clothes hanging around here and there and books scattered all over the floor. Yamada tried to hide his chuckle realising what a messy guy Yuto was as Yuto blushed in embarrassment and picked up his things from the floor.

Yamada walked to the balcony, leaving Yuto with his business. He looked at the sky above and sniffed the scent that flew in the air, the mix of a newfound feeling that was entering and sadness that began to exit his lung. He closed his eyes as the dreaded images in his mind fading and left him. He turned his back to catch Yuto approaching him, with a smile that was too warm it melted his heart right away.

Yuto showed each room in his apartment to Yamada, still hiding his embarrassment as he showed Yamada his even messier room that filled with probably hundreds of posters of his favourite manga characters hanging on the wall. Yamada shook his head in amusement as he looked at the pictures, climbing to Yuto’s bed to look closer at the pictures surrounding his bedroom wall.

“Um, sorry, I got too excited. I mess your bed.” Yamada grinned as he looked down below him.

“You don’t need to say sorry. It was messy anyway.” Yuto laughed as he jumped to his bed and joined Yamada, explained each character to him. As always, Yamada listened with his full attention and looked at him with sparkle in his eyes. They both smiled shyly as their arms brushed each other again, and Yuto quickly projected himself out of the room to stop his racing heartbeat.

He thought if such beauty even existed and if he was dreaming to witness it right before his eyes.

Yuto’s apartment was never as that messy anymore after Yamada came into his life.

***

For weeks later, Yamada had become a part of Yuto’s life. He would wake the older up every morning and cooked for breakfast. Yuto would join after he was done with his preparation and slipped his way to the kitchen to help Yamada. His morning was never quiet anymore as they would always chatter noisily while dancing and cooking, sometimes involving a jar of Nutella which they would smear on each other’s face. For a second, Yuto felt the surge of will to taste the chocolate that landed on his cheeks and lips. Yamada blushed as Yuto was getting closer and he quickly took a step back and reached for the tissue to clean his face.

Yuto stood awkwardly near the kitchen counter, trying to process what was on his mind. But Yamada would always smile kindly at him and every time Yuto thought everything was alright for them.  

They went for movie on weekends and Yuto started to recognise Yamada’s favourite genres. Yuto would borrow quite many of DVDs for Yamada to watch while he was away for work. He was still looking for a job, but no luck hit him so far. Yuto assured him that it was okay, saying, “Help me pay the rent by cleaning my house.” Yuto said one night with a towel covering his bottom part after taking his shower.

“And stay with me.” He continues while turning his back on Yamada and walked back to his room. A smile pictured on his face and Yamada could see it even if he couldn’t see his face.

Yamada taught Yuto a lot of things, from cooking to sewing; something that made Yuto chuckled as he couldn’t make the slightest guess that Yamada was able to sew at all.

“It’s women stuff!” Yuto teased Yamada when he offered Yuto the tools for sewing.

“Then I’m the most handsome woman around!” Yamada shot back which earned a smirk on Yuto’s face.

_‘Actually, the most beautiful.’_

Yuto could think of nothing other than wishing that they would live like this forever.

-

But maybe there really was nothing that stays forever in this life, as one evening after a long day at work Yuto couldn’t find Yamada. He searched for him all over his house, thinking if Yamada was pulling a joke or something but resulted in nothing. Yamada’s phone was off as he tried to dial continuously. He felt anxiousness pooling in his stomach as he remembered what happened the night before. Yamada had a high fever and couldn’t stop coughing. Yuto was supposed to take care of him but he had an important meeting at work that he couldn’t halt.

He searched for Yamada in panic and found a note sitting on his bedside table, making him even more anxious after reading the content.

 

_Dear Yuto,_

_Thank you for taking care of me for the past weeks and helping me with so many things including a place to stay and shoulders to cry on. You are a really kind person and friend that I’ve found along the way. I’ve made a lot of memories with you and I will always remember them. I’m so grateful._

_I want to stay longer with you, but I need to see my parents. I’m going back to my hometown._

_I’m sorry I couldn’t wait for your return as I was catching on a train._

_Oh, and do not worry, I no longer had fever when I went out._

_I’d hope to see you again, Yuto._

_Thank you,_

_Yamada._

Yuto tried to re-read the letter again as he couldn’t believe his eyes. Without him realising it, his tears started to form on the corner of his eyes and his heart was shot in the feeling of grief. He glanced over the bed where Yamada used to read his manga before going to sleep. Yuto was looking at him all along, caring for him like a best friend would do. Or even more, as he felt his heart racing every time they stood too close to each other in his small kitchen. Yamada was on his side for weeks, yet he felt like he had known him since forever.

Yamada had slept silently on his bed every night and Yuto would often wake up in the middle of the night just to look at his face and the delicate expression he bore when he closed his eyes. Yuto would put his hair aside to reveal more of his face, feeling the urge to kiss him. But he didn’t do it as he spent his time thinking and calculating if his feeling was right. If Yamada was thinking the same way. If their exchanging smile was burning him like it burned Yuto.

Yuto didn’t say anything for the past weeks and now he was drowning in his regret as Yamada left him, with no trace of where to find and tell him what he had always wanted to tell him.

Yuto sat on the floor and hugged his knees in sorrow, his tears escaped from his eyes like a flood. He felt empty once again, and broken. He looked outside his window to see the rain was slowly getting bigger and sent thunder in every split second. He was thinking where Yamada could’ve been in such weather. Had he arrived in his destination? Was he safe? Somehow, he felt like Yamada’s words were betraying him. He was sure Yamada was not coming to see his parents. He was sure Yamada was somewhere in this city, sheltering himself from the rain and feeling the same coldness as Yuto felt now.

With that, Yuto stormed out of his apartment and ran through the blinding rain, shouting Yamada’s name as he let his tears keep flowing. There was something about Yamada that he didn’t know and he was sure that it was there. Yamada hid it so well that Yuto couldn’t point to it. But when he hugged his small body, he felt his system weakened as if telling him that Yamada was never alright. Yamada was like puzzles that Yuto never got to solve.

Yuto reached the entrance of the same underground pathway where he first met Yamada. It was the same damp smell, only it was overcome by the smell of the rain. He was still shouting Yamada’s name besides there was nothing he could see in the dingy area. He walked more until he felt his legs giving up on him.

Just like a magnet, his legs were dragged to the corner as he spotted with his eyes, a dark figure sitting on the floor. It recurred the image in his mind when he found Yamada that night. He ran with all his might and hugged him as he was panting on the floor, sobbing.

“Why did you leave?” Yuto yelled to Yamada as he hugged the weak body closer to his chest, scared that he would run away again from him.

“Why are you here?” Yamada muffled into Yuto’s shirt, pushing his arms away and trying to break out from him.

“I won’t let you go anywhere!” Yuto yelled again in between his cries, clutching harder to Yamada who was still trying to escape from him.

“Yuto..” Yamada gave in as he clung into Yuto, letting his huge arms embrace him tighter and make him feel warmer.

“It’s alright, I’m here. Tell me anything.” Yuto caressed Yamada’s hair affectionately and kissed the top of his head, Yamada’s whole body covered in his arms.

“It’s not alright. I’m dying, Yuto.” Yamada’s words turned into a whisper but Yuto could hear it as clear as the sound of his heartbeat in his chest.

“I’m dying too. I’m dying without you.” Yuto tried to deny the true meaning of Yamada’s words.

A single tear fell on his arm, it was Yamada’s. Yuto knew Yamada was telling him the truth.

It was the longest time in Yuto’s life to hug someone. Coldness pounded on the thin layer of his exposed skin, making him shudder. But he felt the coldness leaving him as he hugged Yamada even tighter, his small body was joining him and covering each other with warmness.

***

Yamada took a sip of his tea that was prepared by Yuto after taking a warm bath. He turned his gaze at Yuto, smiling weakly.

“Yuto, I’m sorry.” Yamada looked straight into his eyes, and the latter replied with a smile that carved lightly on the side of his lips.

“Don’t ever leave me like that again. You scared me.” Yuto reached for his cup and fixed his gaze to it, trying to refrain from catching Yamada’s pale expression.

Yuto was scared there was something wrong. Was sure that he wasn’t imagining things as he felt Yamada’s cold skin in his palm when he helped him bath earlier. Yuto knew Yamada was ill. It was an illness that he never knew was eating every inch of his smile every day. Yet Yamada was still offering him the same warm smile to conceal it. He felt his cheeks burning as he looked up to see Yamada’s face, as white as porcelain, greeting him with the same soft smile but it felt so dead, so empty.

“Yama-chan?” Yuto moved closer to where Yamada was sitting, tracing the skin of his cheek with his fingers.

“What’s happened to you?” Yuto mumbled, taking Yamada in his embrace and not wanting to hear a single word from Yamada even though he was the one asking question.

“I’m sorry, Yuto.”

“I wish I could live longer.”

“I want to take care of you like you take care of me all these time.”

Those words sounded like needles pounding mercilessly on Yuto’s chest as he held Yamada tighter. As if he would disappear into the thin air if he loosened his grip.

“Don’t say anymore..”

Yuto sealed Yamada’s lips with his own to stop him from explaining to him any further. The kiss was aching as it went deeper, filling their lungs with each other’s oxygen. The sensation burned as Yuto put his arms on Yamada’s brown lock, moving in all motion, pulling him even closer if it was even possible. Yuto struggled to let Yamada swim into him, to share his breath with him and lived a little longer. The inexistent riddles were clouding their surrounding as they were drowning in each other’s touch, holding too tight that their ears could feel bones breaking beneath their skin. Lips were still on their way to fix the cracks in their hearts.

Yamada’s cheeks gradually got warmer with Yuto kissing every inch of them, sending him warm air through each small opening of his pores. Neither of them letting go, their tears overflowing in between glued skin, shedding and breaking as it streamed down uncontrollably.

Their forehead locked as they opened their eyes and stared into each other. Yuto ran his fingers on Yamada’s neck and buried his face there, sniffing on his skin, begging him to stay as if Yamada had said his farewell. Yuto could feel Yamada smiling on his shoulder, as soft as he had always seen, each and every day. Yamada wrapped his arms around Yuto, assuring him that he would stay.

Yuto knew he wasn’t telling the truth when he felt Yamada’s stiff body on his embrace the next morning.

Yuto poured what he had in him onto Yamada’s lifeless body. More than his tears, it was his grief that was slowly eating him alive.

He gripped tight on the cold stone as if it would bring Yamada alive one more time, but what he heard was rustling leaves above him as he sunk on the ground. Rupture was his soul that could never heal.

***

Yamada’s voice sounding as clear as his heartbeat that once morphed its way into Yuto’s chest. He had once gripped on it so tight. Yamada was alive with him for forty days; the best forty days of his life.

The days after Yamada’s death were torment after torment clawing on Yuto’s chest, breaking him every time he opens his eyes for a cold bed and empty pillow. His house was back to its state, messy and empty. He drank too much black coffee to flush down the beautiful memories he had with Yamada. 

He could no longer feel the sweet taste after all. It was long way gone.

Yuto wrote letter every day, each that would just stuffed his drawer but none of it occupied his soul. There were lines of poems that were too dark to contain. There were words he wished he could’ve said and things he wished he could’ve done.

Yuto’s hands reluctantly hold on the edge of the bridge, beneath him is water that belongs to the open sea. He imagines how soft the sensation would be when the water touches his skin, as soft of Yamada’s lips on his. How the wind blows remind him when Yamada’s hair would be wiped away by even the weakest wind. His smile was like the clouds that swim in the blue sky, so soft it made his heart feel at ease. His skin was white as porcelain and it was getting more pale white each day. It was still shining beautifully under the dim light in his bedroom, and Yuto thought he wasn’t losing him. Until his letter convinced him something he didn’t know about Yamada.

Life was testing Yamada on all aspects. Life wasn’t loving him in the slightest but Yuto was loving him in his silence.

Yamada died in his arms like he had wished as they shared painful kisses that night.

Yuto looks down into the water beneath him once again and finds Yamada’s smile in there. He takes his plunge and reaches Yamada’s hand in his. A smile that he will never get to lose again as they are swimming within their fate to a new world of possible eternity.

**Author's Note:**

> This story is a work of fiction. 
> 
> I'm really sorry. :(  
> It breaks myself into pieces to write this but what I'm trying to portray in this story is about how beautiful Yuto and Yama's love is.  
> I hope my message could reach my readers. 
> 
> Thank you for reading. I'm always grateful for the love and support given for me. They are my strength and inspiration to keep writing. 
> 
> See you soon.


End file.
